I recently found myself a new girlfriend, and she lives near you. I like staying with her, or I should say that I liked staying with her until the morning I came down stairs to a closed coffee shop.
See, for a long time when I got up at 6:40AM to go to work I thought I was the first person awake on Earth. This was very difficult for me to understand and accept, but I knew it was true. The world felt lonely and sad and tired. Then one day I found you guys just right around the corner and my days became filled with sunshine and energy. My friends tell me that it was just the recent time change and the addition of caffeine, but I say it was something more. It was knowing that I’m not the first human up on Earth every day. Somebody cared enough to get up with me, and even open a store for me, and no longer would my days have to start with loneliness and sadness and tiredness.
Then, like a devil bitch you stole it away just when I needed you most. You left me at the altar, in a beautiful white dress, and rode off on a black steed, headless and laughing fire. There I was, standing alone in the freezing cold 60F Austin morning air I said, “What? Well hey, maybe they’re making extra coffee today, or, or maybe they just forgot the lights, but surely they’re open. I mean, they just gotta be open, they just gotta be, right??” Nobody answered me probably because nobody was outside with me because nobody else on Earth except for us gets up at that freakishly early hour. ‘Twas only the birds and I and the horrible breeze, 6:45AM ready for my black coffee dashed with cinnamon but saw only darkness.
Well actually that’s not entirely true, I saw a girl inside stocking pastries so I knocked and asked her what time they opened. Her words nearly killed me. They for sure killed a part of me.
”7:00AM sir, they changed our hours.”
7:00AM? WTF is that? Who is “they?” I hate “they!” Ain’t nobody got time for that! What am I supposed to do, go to Starbucks? Gross! Nay I say, try as you might, I shan’t be forced to go to Starbucks. Come to think of it, all this talk of Starbucks has me thinking of bad coffee, and bad coffee makes me really mad. So now that I’m mad I promise you that I will buy something at Starbucks every day until I hear from you guys. I love you and always will, and I’ll be thinking of you the whole time, but you hurt me and need to understand that you can’t just change your hours. So what if I was the only business! Like all of my relationships, I’m very selfish and am only thinking of how this affects me, DUH!
Anyway, that’s all I got, hope to hear from you soon because I don’t care for Starbucks. Thanks for holding my dreams for me while we’re in a fight. All the best!